I’m filled with JOY!
This Thanksgiving season, I’m reminded not only how I am thankful but also how filled with JOY I am.
Having Effie in my life has been a blessing, yes. But the majority of my joy this year has been because my relationship with Jesus has deepened to an unbelievable level. I’m enjoying a new closeness that I didn’t know I could have with my Lord.
Don’t get me wrong – it was hard getting here. But it was God who has lead me down the paths He wanted me to follow. He pointed the way and I just “cleaned up & showed up.” There been some tough trails and He has been faithful and has been with me even when I couldn’t see His hand.
How I met Effie
I crawled up into God’s lap and He invited me into His heart. When I got in there I found Effie waiting for me.
“Thank you Sir, May I have Another!”
[Omega Fraternity Pledge (Kevin Bacon) in the movie classic Animal House]
This period of singleness is giving God a great opportunity – and He’s taking it. God is using this as a time of growth for me. I think The Skit Guys skit God’s Chisel very accurately portraits the process I’m feeling. I feel He is opening up deep wounds and bringing some healing that will make me more into the person he wants me to be. And it is tough.
We had lots of rain in March, April, and May. Then in June we had virtually nothing. Consequently, my plants were not happy. Even the daphne was drooping badly.
So I got outside with the hose and gave them all a good dousing. They started responding in a few days.
We grieve anytime we have a loss. I have just been reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. This is the Wild at Heart book for women. They are talking in the chapter I’m reading that every woman has a beauty to unveil. And that she brings that beauty to the relationship.
While watering the plants, I was reminded about how much beauty Trudie used to bring to my life. She brought beauty through the plants she planted. She brought beauty through the decorating she did in the house. She brought beauty by bringing her own beauty to our relationship. Thinking about the beauty that is no longer here I got sad. I stayed sad for a number of days. It’s probably the closest I’ve been to actual depression.
I took my sadness and pain to the Lord. He has taught me that He can handle anything I’m feeling. After a while, He taught me to look to Jesus to see beauty. I see beauty in His creation. I see His beauty in the variety of birds and animals. I see His beauty in the variety of plants He has put around me. I see beauty in His love for me that sustains me every day.
I’ve climbed out from my sadness. I know that I’ve lost a beauty but I am now more aware that there is so much beauty around me and that it is a gift from God.
Late yesterday afternoon it started snowing. They hadn’t predicted snow – I remember a mention of flurries – but maybe they did and I missed it. Well, there at 5:30 PM it started coming down. Big flakes of wet, slushy white stuff. I skipped the meeting that I had planned to attend and went straight home.
It made everything look white and pristine the way newly-fallen snow makes it look. The landscape looked like a winter wonderland.
And then the sadness hit. I wasn’t expecting snow to cause a wave of sadness but there it was. It was white and pretty and beautiful – and I couldn’t share it with Trudie. I was alone and felt very alone. The beauty of it all made me miss a beauty that used to be a big part of my life but is no longer.
So I made a batch of comfort food – spaghetti. It briefly dulled the pain but it’s still there. Oh well.
I can’t seem to stay asleep for more than six hours lately. I go to bed early some nights and then wake and can’t go back to sleep. And then I’m nodding off in meetings. Hopefully I don’t snore. 🙂 I guess it’s time to start taking my St. John’s Wort again.