Well it’s a new year – whoopee.
I had a harder New Year’s Day than Christmas. I realized that I emotionally didn’t want to leave 2007. In 2007 I had Trudie. Now, in 2008, I don’t. It’s another reason to be sad.
I’m dealing a lot with sadness these days.
Tonight, we are having our “goodbye” small group meeting. I’m leaving the group. I don’t feel right in a group with a bunch of married couples. I’m very uncomfortable now around married couples. Trudie and I were the leaders of this small group. And, in it’s own way, the group is grieving the loss of Trudie. But, I think it is time for me to leave. I’m sure that they will go on; Trudie and Patrick didn’t keep the group together. But for now, it’s time for me to move on.
I am starting going to a new small group environment with the new grief group at church. And I’ll probably join a single mens’ small group sometime soon. I’ve been part of small groups for the last 20+ years. I know I need men in my life to whom I can let down my mask.
A Female “Fast”
It has been suggested by more than one adviser to me to not get involved with any women for at least a year. While I can see the wisdom of this intellectually, it will be very hard for me emotionally.
When I was single before Trudie, I had many women friends. I enjoyed having platonic relationships with women friends. I gave them all up though when I committed to Trudie. She, rightfully so, wanted my complete emotional commitment. It also forced me to make better friends with the guys in my life.
So now, while my desire is to make new girl-friends, I am deciding to forgo any relationships for at least a year. This, I believe, will help me in a number of areas. 1) it will cause me to “reboot” my thinking on women. 2) it will help me develop a even closer relationship with my Lord, and 3) it will help me develop a closer relationship with myself.
So, while this female fast will be difficult, I think I will be a better person to have a relationship with at the end.